Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.