My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
mariah carrie
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Beware…..
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
❤️❤️❤️
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.