The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
3% human
97% stress
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
The funk soul brother
Ooh I do like a good funnel