I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.