Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.