Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
this country is so goddamn polarized
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*