Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
ibopfufen
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches