My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.