Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My Plans 2020
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Word!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?