We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.