they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The Struggle
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register