[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels