If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My dad teaching me to drive
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure