I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Left at a local drug store…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt