calling in to work dehydrated
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you