*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Noted.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”