Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.