Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m starting to think that letting a zombie give you a blowjob might be a bad idea.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.