Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.


Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?


Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*


Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.


I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m starting to think that letting a zombie give you a blowjob might be a bad idea.


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.