Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
sin harder.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”