I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Brands during Pride
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.