God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
You Might Also Like
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
B
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?