Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan