Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
need a new bf mines broken 😐