My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.