My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
You Might Also Like
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.