If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive