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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*