I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
They’re not wrong
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
😂 amazing answer
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
the three branches of government
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”