Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
You Might Also Like
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I am all good here, 😂😉
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
what could possibly go wrong?