Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
This line from Airplane.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
She was rare, like a goth jogging
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Lmao
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35