her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me buying fruit and veg
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!