Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
SF is the wild wild west man
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
be careful
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.