Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’M CRYINGGG
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.