Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Bike for sale
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Encore…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.