@AweShadySome She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
@coolgirl0nline not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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@AweShadySome 
@thepunningman “As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
@SwirlySkittles Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
@D2BMcG Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
@desusnice John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
@KimmyMonte don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
@Night_ER_Ninja Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
@CCRuns I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
@lazerdoov *in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
@weinerdog4life Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.