not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
You Might Also Like
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
What the hell happened in there??
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.