not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming