not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.


“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…


John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.


don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit


Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……


I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.