not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better