@coolgirl0nline

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

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@AweShadySome

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

@thepunningman

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@D2BMcG

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

@desusnice

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

@KimmyMonte

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

@Night_ER_Ninja

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

@CCRuns

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

@lazerdoov

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.