penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy