If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*