We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Sooo many times…..
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.