Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”