This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
A little too much information.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
getting groceries
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”