If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Blew out my flip flop…
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
That eye roll….
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do