One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.