[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.