Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no