I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
You Might Also Like
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!