Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today