What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.