Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.