My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there