Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Perfect
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
did it work
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.