new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.